Burnout

  Burnout is drinking a 16oz cup of coffee with a double espresso shot in it and then falling asleep

There undoubtedly comes a time in every parent's life when storm clouds are visible on the horizon. The world starts to turn gray, the volume decreases, and you catch yourself staring into the void of nothingness for increasingly longer periods. Mental exhaustion sets in. Combine that with child, partner, and life demands, you begin to neglect your own needs in favor of keeping the ship afloat. In an effort to maintain some semblance of peace, you do all that is required without complaint. Then, suddenly, you find yourself alone and quietly crying, so as to not wake your child from their nap. Even crying, which should allow you some form of release, has to be done quietly and on someone else’s terms. Buckle in, Paternal Burnout has arrived. 

Now, before you start dialing the mental health hotline, let's walk through this like adults. Realistically, every parent out there has dealt with burnout in some form or another. If we take a step back and reframe this, let's say, instead of paternal burnout, we were looking at work/career burnout, then no one would blink an eye. Our culture celebrates dedication to a job or company, but dedication to family or childcare is looked at with raised eyebrows. People are always willing to talk about a big project they are working on, or how much money they are making. No one wants to hear about how your toddler threw a sippy cup of milk on the floor and that you picked it up and threw it at the wall because you’re obviously burnt-out. Again, see, raised eyebrows at reading that sentence. Yet, when someone watches The Bear and Carmy has a meltdown, it’s seen as a dramatization or comically exaggerated. I can tell you situations like that are real. I worked in a place where a hot frying pan was thrown at me because Kiefer Sutherland's steak was taking too long to come off the grill. I got Kiefer his steak and finished my shift, but I called the Chef the next day and told them I quit. Before they hung up, they scoffed and called me, “One of the biggest pussy bitches they ever met.” 

Unlike a job, being a parent does not end. There is no punch clock, you don’t get to climb into your car at the end of the day, listen to a podcast and stop at happy hour to blow off some steam. You can’t quit, and no one is coming to save you. No Michelin Star, no bragging rights, no calling out sick and no days off. There is no HR. It's just your partner and yourself. 

Chamaca and I were strolling through Golden Gate Park the other day and saw a guy sitting on a bench with his family. They were all getting ready to go on a bike ride and he told them to go ahead, he would catch up, he had to tie his shoe. I watched his wife and daughter ride away and then I saw him sit there and plop his head back and stare at the sky. He then remained sitting there, staring blankly at his untied shoe. I could see it in his eyes, this guy was done. I wanted to say something, but I couldn’t find the words. The best I could do was nod at him as I strolled by. He just kept looking at his shoes. I don’t know if he ever made it off that bench, but I hope he did. 

I’ve personally come to discover that the only way out, is to go in. Go all in on taking care of yourself first. It’s like they tell you on the airplane, in the event of an emergency, put your own oxygen mask on first, then help the person next to you. Do you know why they say this? It’s because if you’re dead, you can’t help anyone. You have to find your oxygen mask, find the thing that clears your head and makes you feel alive, and use that to recharge. The hardest fact is to differentiate between a recharge and a distraction. A recharge will clear your mind, make you feel focused and motivated. A distraction (TikTok, Instagram, video games, etc.) will feel like a recharge, but in fact uses so much of your brain power that you’ll be left feeling even more drained and unmotivated. This world is built for you to feel like you always need to be somewhere else, to feel as if you’re missing out on something, when in fact the place that you need to be is right here, right now.    

You are going to lose your patience and that is an unavoidable fact. But what you can do is design a response and coping mechanism for when that point is reached. Find peace where you can and be kind to yourself. Get off the park bench.